What Does Forgiveness Mean For ME?

I mean, really. What DOES forgiveness mean for me? We have this twisted idea that it’s for them. It releases them from all accountability. We have made forgiveness into something it is not. 

First, let’s talk about what it is NOT. 

1. It is NOT A FEELING. We don’t often “feel like” forgiving the person that hurt us. It is always a choice we make. 
2. “Forgive and forget about it.” It is not a forgive-and-forget kind of thing. We can remember what happened; it is part of our history. We will not deny that.
3. “Just forgive them. They didn’t really mean it.” It does not release them from wrongdoing. They will have to face those consequences on their own. 
4. “Be the bigger person.” It does not minimize the wrong. A wrong occurred. 
5. Forgiveness is not RECONCILING. That is a separate action that happens when BOTH parties are willing to acknowledge a wrong took place. 
6. It is not approval of what they did. 

We have been taught wrong things about forgiveness. Personally, I was told, “Just forget about it. It’s done and over”. Or, “Be the bigger person”. Neither of those is right or helped me to forgive. In fact, both caused bigger problems for me. 

But do we really know what it means to do this? To forgive those who have sinned against us? 

Nope. No one really talks about it Biblically. And, let’s be honest, those who have taught us about forgiveness likely had no idea what it actually means either. (Hint: our parents.)

My Story:

What does it really mean to forgive another person? And release them? And live life adjacent to them? 

I have a person in my life who I have to forgive all the time. She has done me wrong in so many ways. She lies about me. For most of my life, she has been the one who treated me badly. She ignored my texts or calls and ignored me to my face when I tried talking to her. 

If it was just the ignoring me, I would deal with it. In fact, I did deal with it for most of the time. But when it escalated into more, I had to choose to separate myself and my family from her. In the letters I sent her, explaining it all as clearly as I could, I told her I forgave her. But I didn’t want a relationship with her anymore. 

Well. To be fair, I did WANT a relationship with her. That’s why it took me so long to separate myself from her. Honestly, I should have done it earlier. 

(If you want to know more about the story, and get a bit depressed…… Find that story here)

Forgiveness means for you:

Going back to what it means to forgive someone. 

First of all, forgiveness is for you. Not for the other person. It has nothing to do with the other person. When you choose to forgive someone, you release them from your life. I like to picture a person hanging on my back. When I choose to forgive the person who did me wrong, I take that person off my back and put them in God’s hands. God will deal with the person. I am released. 

Unforgiveness causes the other person to forever be connected to you and influence you in ways that you don’t want. It allows the devil to torment you. 

When we choose to forgive a person, we begin the work of healing. 

Forgiveness is a choice we make. We choose to forgive the person who caused us harm. It is an act of our will to forgive and release them. It is not a feeling; it’s a choice. And in that choice we make, we take back our power. 

That’s right. We take back our power. By allowing that other person space in our head, rent-free, we are also giving over our power. That person will consume your thoughts and energy. Negative thoughts will overtake you and keep you in a power struggle with that person. When you choose to forgive that person, your power and energy come back to you where it belongs. 

God Commands Forgiveness

Most of us have learned the “Our Father”: 

Our Father in heaven, Your name be honored as holy.  Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us today our daily bread.  And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And do not bring us into temptation,  but deliver us from the evil one.  For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

We say this prayer in church most Sundays at many churches. But do we really live it out? 

This part especially: “And forgive us our debts (Trespasses, Sins) as we also have forgiven OUR DEBTORS. (TRESPASSERS, THOSE WHO HAVE SINNED AGAINST US)

In this prayer that most of us grew up praying or pray most Sundays in church, we are commanded to forgive those who sinned against us. If we want to be forgiven, we must forgive others. 

Forgiveness? or Reconciliation?

Most people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Reconciliation is a totally different thing. Reconciliation is when both parties choose to forgive each other. This does not automatically mean that the relationship continues where it left off. This means that both parties are willing to give it a try. It is also perfectly acceptable for both parties to decide that a relationship together is no longer an option. Maybe the wounds are too deep. Maybe the trial period didn’t go so good and it is time to fully separate. We see this often in marriages, but it can also come into play in other relationships. 

What Forgiveness Means for ME:

To recap, forgiveness is a choice we make. 

We do it because God says that if we want to be forgiven, we must choose to forgive others. 

Forgiveness is for us. It is something we do to take back our power. 

Reconciliation is not forgiveness. 

When I meet with clients, often forgiveness is part of the process. No. It is not easy. But when we remove the things that keep it stuck there, it does get easier. We almost always start with forgiving our parents. Let’s be real. Not one of us is a perfect parent.

In our sessions, in general, we simply say something like “I forgive my Mom/Dad, and I release my Mom/Dad.” That’s it.

We usually don’t have to rehash events. We just make the choice to forgive them and release them. And, no. It’s not a one and done. Most of the time, for me anyways, I have had to forgive my parents over and over and over. At this point, it rarely comes up.

Simple right? Simple. Not easy.

Next steps:

Still need a little help? Forgiveness still seems to be impossible? Come see me and let’s chat. Schedule a session with me today.

Not quite ready to meet with me? Here is a great resource for you to start with: “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget” by Lysa Terkeurst

I sincerely hope this helps you today.

Blessings.