Swift and Imperfect. Raw and Vulnerable.

This is going to be a long blog post about taking swift and imperfect action about a very raw and vulnerable time. I’m sorry it’s so long, but I guess that’s what happens when I don’t blog for a while.

I have this sign I just posted above my desk. It says: 

“Take swift and imperfect action”. 

It’s a new sign, my friend just gave me this phrase the other day and I felt like I needed it to be here to remind me that it’s time to just take action. If it’s the right action, praise God. If it’s the wrong action, praise God. 

At times, any movement is good movement. And for a time, I have felt stuck. I am finding that I freeze in stressful, conflict-filled, situations.

There has been so much going on and I tend to just not talk about it to very many people. And certainly not on a bog. I have a few trusted people in my life who I do share things with, and I do. Lord knows this past year, I have needed them in my life and have shared a LOT with them. 

Who am I kidding? It’s been for the last 3 years. 

I thought the years before this past 3 years were tough. 

HA. 

That was nothing compared to these past 3 years. 

I am taking “swift and imperfect action” right now as I write about some of the things that I have been dealing with over the past year.

In these years so much has happened. So many relationship issues- I can’t even tell you them all right now. 

There were just a lot of problems. 

I have learned a lot through this all and God has done so much healing as I have navigated these seasons. 

Then, this past year, I lost both of my parents. 

My Dad passed on Feb. 1st of this year. My Mother on Dec. 21st. 

And in between were the hardest days. 

Before my Dad passed, we spent many days in the hospital with him. I was so blessed to be able to spend time. When I left on vacation, I knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet, but he seemed to be doing better. Unfortunately, when I returned, it soon became apparent he wasn’t. 

During that time as well, I became aware of a subtle push to move me out of the family. I wasn’t given important information. I was treated differently. Left out of important discussions, or just ignored. My opinions were not heard or wanted. 

RAW AND VULNERABLE: My voice was shut down. 

That continued through the days to his memorial service and by the time that happened, I felt left out. I felt like I didn’t matter to the rest of the family. There was a group inside my family, and I and my brother were not in it. 

My voice was not heard, wanted, or valued. 

And by then, I was so shut down and hurting that when it came to the time to do the service, I couldn’t speak up. I felt like I had a mask over my mouth keeping me from speaking what I wanted to speak. 

That continued throughout the year as I wanted to spend time with my Mother. Every time I did, there was a fight with her or I was told no I couldn’t come over. 

I volunteered to help with her care but was never heard or acknowledged. 

RAW AND VULNERABLE: I shut down and stepped away. 

I felt unheard. Unwanted. Unimportant to my mother.  Especially when no one asked how I felt or why I wasn’t coming around. 

(My brother was feeling and experiencing the same things. And while I can’t and won’t speak for him, I’m sure his feelings were very similar.)

Since she has passed, and I was named as Executor of her estate, that too has been ignored and I have been shut out. Pushed away. Left out of discussions and my opinions were ignored or I was blasted with angry words and accusations. Decisions have been made and acted upon without my input. 

Let me tell you, these feelings are very real and very strong. Even a strong healthy person is struggling to deal with it all. I am grieving not only the loss of my parents but also the loss of relationships. The loss of my family. 

When you are dismissed, ignored, and blatantly disregarded continually, it tends to defeat you. Especially when it comes from family. 

You know, the people who should be encouraging you during this time. Helping each other through. 

Not fighting against you. 

SWIFT AND IMPERFECT ACTION: FORGIVENESS IS KEY

I have had to learn a whole new level of what it means to forgive. 

Absolutely I am forgiving them. Every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. 

Forgiveness is crucial to my being able to manage life right now. 

The fact is that I love my siblings. 

The fact is that I want the best for them. All of them.

Supported

I am so glad that I do have one brother and his wife in my corner, and I in his. And my own family have been amazing through this. All of us are hurting and mourning in our own ways, but we are helping each other through.

And my friends! WOW!! I am so truly grateful for my amazing and gifted friends who have helped me through this awful season. I have one friend who keeps encouraging me by telling me “You are gonna be Amazing when you get through this!”

Ok. I am amazing. Thanks, God. But I’m Amazing enough.

Struggling;

But I will not allow emotional, or verbal abuse, manipulation, and control. No one needs to gaslight others. 

And that is what was happening. 

I was forced to walk away from it all. My sister has not been a person I could work with for quite some time. That’s no secret. 

But this past year has been incredibly difficult. And now that my Mother has passed, it has moved to impossible. 

I am being raw, open, and vulnerable to you my readers now. 

My heart is broken. 

I am raw and bleeding. 

I am grieving, hurting, and devastated. 

Some people would “take to the bed”.. (I sometimes wish I was a person who could do that.) 

And I know many of you are in similar positions. I meet with people every week who are experiencing so many hard things. 

I am so blessed to be able to work with these people.

Swift and Imperfect action: back to forgiveness

Let me encourage you to begin with forgiveness. I am finding that it is more powerful than I ever thought. 

It is not for the other person. Forgiveness is for YOU. I like to tell people that forgiveness is taking the person off of your back and putting them on God’s. You don’t need to carry that weight around with you. 

Here is what I do: Lord, I forgive _______ and I release them to you. I give you all the hurts God. Thank you. 

Simple and easy. 

Yeah, I know. Not really. 

But oh so powerful. 

So here I am, being so raw and vulnerable with you all. I am taking swift and imperfect action. These are the things I have been dealing with for quite some time. My life has not been easy or fun in all areas for quite some time. Sure there are amazing things that have happened, and I am so thankful for them. 

But the hard parts are HARD PARTS!

NO SYMPATHY

I want you to know that I am sharing my story not because I want you to pity me or anything else. I know I am not the only one going through hard things. To be honest, sharing this here is one of the hardest things I have done.

Thank you for taking the time to read and understand. Praying for you, my friends!