You. Your House. And Boundaries, Part 2.

Last week I posted the first part of this series and you can find it here. In last weeks post, I talked about why we would want to have good boundaries and what a boundary-less house would look like. I talked about how sometimes we have people in our lives who just use us or treat us badly and we need to set some boundaries to protect ourselves from them. I used “You. Your House. And Boundaries” for an illustration. As a reminder, if you picture yourself as a house, what does it look like? Does your house have doors? walls? windows? Is there a fence around it? Are there locks on the doors?

Today, I want to talk more about what your “safe” house should look like. Thinking about your house, what areas could be improved upon? Can we add some things that will make your ”house” more secure? Someplace that would be safe for you to live and thrive.

Build Your House

First of all, let’s put up some walls. Give your house some doors and windows. Give yourself permission to have those walls, doors and windows and understand that you need to have them in order to have a healthy relationship. We would do that by setting limits on what we are willing and not willing to do or put up with. Decide for yourself ahead of time.

For example, the person who continually takes your time and energy whenever they want to. This person calls during dinner time to dump their problems on you, expects you to deal with the mess they have now left you, and never reciprocates. They will take up hours of your time and energy and then leave. Until the next crisis.

Ahead of time, decide whether or not you are willing to answer the phone call or text this time. Decide how much time you want to give them. Make sure you are willing to stand strong and say no. You can, and should say no when you need to. A person who is a good friend will respect those boundaries.

By doing these things you are giving people responsibility for their own lives. We don’t allow them to continually turn to us to save them from their problems. Notice I said, “their problems.” It is not your problem to fix their issue. You may have to take a good look at the issue that person has, and ask yourself honestly, “is this persons issue my problem or theirs?” 

If you aren’t sure, take yourself out of the picture completely. Imagine yourself out of that persons life. Will that person be forced to take care of their issue themselves? Yes? Then it’s that persons issue. 

A Safe House

Let’s take a look at what it means to build a safe house for you. 

Think about the people in your life. There are lots of kinds of people in any person’s life so lets put them into categories. 

The people who would help you build up your house so that you would have a safe place. 

Next, the people would would respect your boundaries and encourage you to keep them. 

Then, the people would would test the boundaries. 

Last, the people who will not respect the boundaries no matter what you do.

We have to put up some walls- hopefully some good solid walls. 

Recognize those in your life who could maybe help you to build those walls. Those people who have proven themselves trustworthy. Those people who have been with you through it all. Celebrate those relationships. Celebrate and encourage those relationships. 

Next, who would go outside of your house? People who you like and they encourage you, but you aren’t quite ready to allow inside. Put them outside your house. They come in through the door. These people are happy to knock on your door and ask to be allowed in. 

Now think about those people in your life that you really don’t want in your house. People who are not trustworthy or who have proven to be difficult for you. Maybe they have done some things to you that you did not appreciate. They can be people in your real home even. Maybe teens who have pushed the limits. Maybe a difficult spouse. 

Put them now out on the sidewalk outside of your house. If those people want to come into your house, they will need to come up the walkway and through the door after knocking. You are the one in charge of how much access they get to you. Yes even the ones who actually live with you in your actual house.

Terrorists

Now think about those people in your life who some would call “terrorists”. These are the people who come into your life and just cause trouble. Every time and any time they come into your house, they don’t come in through the door after asking. Or maybe they do and you regret it every time.

Most of the time though, they just come in through a non-existent window or the door and just make a mess in your house. They eat all the food and leave crumbs, wrappers and dishes all over the kitchen and living room. They take the cash from your cookie jar stash or your wallet. These people dominate all your attention and don’t let you do what you need to be doing. They destroy your home and then leave and now you have a mess to clean up. Just about the time you get the last mess cleaned up, there they are again.

These kinds of people need to be out on the street or better yet, 10 blocks over. These people do not get to come near the house and they have a restraining order- in a way- that says they do not have free access. These people are the people who need to call ahead. 

But really, once you stop giving them everything and anything they want, and fixing their messes, they won’t bother calling anymore anyways. 

That looks like this, “No. I’m sorry I am not willing to fix your problem anymore, but I would give you some suggestions on how to fix it yourself.” 

If need be, “No” can be a complete sentence. 

It could also look like this; “if you are not willing to follow the rules of this house, you are welcome to move out. I would be happy to help you pack.” 

Can I help you?

My hope is that this post helps you think about you as a house and you boundaries and some ideas of how to implement them. If you are stuck in a boundary-less situation, I would be happy to help you talk through some suggestions. 

If you are in danger, please, get yourself the help you need right now. Get yourself some walls put up with the help of the legal system or advocacy groups. 

Let’s chat about some things today and get yourself ready to implement some healthy boundaries! 

Blessings,

Vicki