Setting Healthy Boundaries You Can Live With

How can you set healthy boundaries even tho the people around you refuse to? Set yourself some rules and boundaries. Think about those people in your life who consistently cause you frustration. Those people who come into your day and make your day awful. You may feel like they suck the life out of you. Some just make life difficult.

“One of the first “things as they are” facts you need to learn is that it is impossible to correct, change, alter, redefine, censure, sweet-talk or reason with a fool. Let me say that again. It is impossible. If you take nothing else away from this chapter, then at least hang on to this truth; if you try to change your fool, you will fail! Get that, my friend, and get it well. If you do, then you will be able to successfully foolproof your life.” (Jan Silvious, “Fool-Proofing Your Life; How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life”)

Setting Healthy Boundaries

In order to set some healthy boundaries you can live with, I want you to consider some things. First, I want you to decide to not succumb to reacting to your fool. Decide ahead of time that you will not shout or pout, rather you will respond as an adult would- calmly. Decide that you are no longer a child and you will not respond in a childish way because you are not.

Next, ask yourself these questions: “What am I wanting from this person?” “Am I using strategies to get something from this person? ” Understand that you will never get anything from your fool. Put aside those strategies and realize that this person will never decide one day to change no matter what you do or say, they will not change.

Listen, some people in your life may just need to be “Fed with a Long Handled Spoon”!!  Here is a trick: when that person comes into your day and you know the routine. He or she wants something from you and won’t take no for an answer. They want you to do something for them that you don’t have time for. There is “important news” about someone that will just ruin your day. Sometimes these people just want to suck the life out of you. 

Decide ahead of time

Decide what setting your healthy boundary will look like. The first thing I want you to do is pray. Ask God. Proverbs 2:2-5 says this:

“So train your heart to listen when I speak and open your spirit wide to expand your discernment— then pass it on to your sons and daughters. Yes, cry out for comprehension and intercede for insight. For if you keep seeking it like a man would seek for sterling silver, searching in hidden places for cherished treasure, then you will discover the fear of the Lord and find the true knowledge of God.” (Bible.com)

He WILL give you wisdom. Realize that the goal of this is for YOU. Not for your fool, but for you! Getting wisdom from God will help you reach the maturity you need to deal with your foolish person. You are choosing to behave as a healthy, godly adult. Which, I know you are!

The Drawbridge Boundary

The Imagine yourself in a huge, preferably beautiful, castle. You are high up in the tower watching this person come up the road towards the drawbridge. You command your servants to pull up the drawbridge. 

Yep. I said it. Pull up the drawbridge. View them from above in your tower. You are detached from this persons requests. There is no connection with them any longer. You can stay above and separate from whatever it is this person wants. Decide ahead of time that this person will be like a stranger to you. Think about it- when you see a stranger in the grocery store, the checkout person, the gas station attendant. A person on the street. You are kind. Courteous. You speak to them but this person is not someone in your inner circle so you keep things brief. That is how you treat the person who is behaving foolishly.

Foolish Eruptions

When a foolish person erupts, they are expecting you to respond as you always have. You are following a script and it’s time to change that script. Set yourself above and emotionally distant and detached from this eruption. This way, you are not emotionally involved in this situation. You are not likely to respond as you usually do and instead you remain calm. Controlled. Even aloof. Your answer is this: “I can’t talk with you until you are less angry.” Or “I will talk with you when your tone of voice matches mine.”

If you need to leave the room or leave the building, do it. Do not engage. It is what your fool is expecting you to do and it is not what you will do this time. It’s hard to do, yes. But with practice you will be able to do it! Find a trusted friend and practice. It’s ok to do that!

For More:

Need to know more? I am currently doing a book study with this book, “Fool-Proofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life” by Jan Silvious. Join me! You can jump in any time!! I would love to have you join us! 

Another excellent book is “Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life.” By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. 

Learn how to make and set boundaries today!!  Need to talk with someone about setting healthy boundaries in your life or are you struggling in this area? Message me. See my Life Coach page for more info about how I can help you.

Blessings,

Vick